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[retisense]

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[stations]

They always wind up playing the same character. It's some socially awkward 'Nice Guy' chasing a manic pixie dream girl while the director self-inserts their old high school insecurities by making them somehow one-up jocks or 'popular kids' that were actually probably not that bad, it just seemed that way at the time because they were jealous assholes and they needed to assign flaws to the people they perceive as better than them in order to gently fondle their own self-esteem. And then they try way too hard to be Smart and make witty jokes without ever actually laughing at them, and all they listen to is obscure indy bands. It's like this weird pandering hashtag relatable 'nerds being cool is a fashion starement' genre.


For the record I didn't know I had strong opinions about this until I was about half way through typing that. I think I might be being a hipster about hipster actors in hipster movies. Like some kind of Ultra Hipster.

Damn it.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

[retisense]

shit, I don't know if we can be friends anymore

seriously though, you're right
thing is, the whole nerds are cool thing is true just not the way the movies make it look
and I doubt you'd treat any girl you were after like she was a manic pixie dream girl, and preferably that girl would already think nerds were cool and awkwardness was cute and be impressed by your sense of humor and writing skills
totally different ball game

[stations]

This hypothetical alternate universe sounds pretty nice. Until that pans out, though, I think I'll just keep compiling my list of cat names and avoiding upbeat folk music.

[retisense]

wait stop the presses
are you getting a cat?

[stations]

not yet, it's more like planning for my inevitable retirement as a cat lady

[retisense]

fuck retirement
we should just do it
get a cat
joint custody
you can name it because I don't have a cat name list just yet
(I should though, I'm never gonna have a girlfriend)
and we can just pass it back and forth whenever it gets annoying

[stations]

co-parenting DOES make it a more tempting offer.
I don't know, though. If you want the honest truth, the mortality rate around me is so high it would probably be irresponsible bordering on criminal. The last thing I sort-of almost took as a pet got immediately eaten by a raccoon.

If we get a cat and I get immediately attached to it (pretty much guaranteed) and then it dies, that'll pretty much write off the rest of my desire to live on this planet anymore.

[retisense]

okay you make a valid point
what if I got a cat and let you name it and we could have frequent playdates
I don't have a history with pets
but at home I kept like 60 houseplants alive for years
how hard can it be?

[stations]

I think a cat might actually be less needy than most houseplants, so if anything you're probably over-qualified.

I think I could manage cat babysitting with pretty minimal risk. Maybe I could be like the cool cat uncle? Except instead of giving it its first beer, I'll give it its first catnip. Have a heart-to-heart about the birds and the mice.

Damn it this cat doesn't exist why am I already emotional

[retisense]

another valid point
never get a succulent unless you have the actual sun in your house for lighting, they always say they're easy for beginners but if you don't literally parboil them they get all weird and tall and then die

oh man you'd be the best cool cat uncle
I'm emotional too
this has to happen now

hit me with your best cat names
I'm googling shelters as we speak

[stations]

Me and the sun don't exactly have a great working relationship, as you can probably tell, so I'll take your word for it.


Here we go, I claim no promise of the quality:
Boots
Socks
Mittens
(I don't know why knitted accessories came to mind first, maybe the yarn balls?)
Penguin
Parvo the Dog Slayer
Mouse (for the irony)
Queen Elizabeth aka Your Majesty aka Your Highness aka Your Grace
Frankenstein
Poptart
Nyquil
Macaroni
Mochi
Barbra Streisand
Princess Buttercup
Excalibur
Yoda
Shoop
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
O'Malley
Chrysanthemum
Joan (of Arc)
Mewcauley Culkin
Neil Catrick Harris
Cleocatra
Saturn
Lucifer
Obi Wan
Morocco

Absolutley NOT Mr/Mrs. Whiskers. We have to draw the line somewhere.

Anything standing out?

[retisense]

Parvo the Dog Slayer
Queen Elizabeth aka Your Majesty aka Your Highness aka Your Grace
Macaroni
Mochi
Yoda
Shoop

someone is adopting out this cat
what do you think

attachment.jpg

[stations]

That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen in my entire life
It looks like an angry vagina grew legs

But also somehow
Weirdly cute

I'm uncomfortably conflicted

Look at it's little feet

I'm 99% sure that thing is a naked baby demon
It looks like my home ec teacher's neck

It has adorable little giant bat ears

I have some kind of weird cat-specific bipolar disorder from looking at this picture

[retisense]

I'm having the same exact reaction
look at it!
it's wild

[stations]

I don't know whether to knit it a sweater or sprinkle it with holy water

I also don't know why I'm getting this weird feeling that that cat would be impossible to kill somehow
Something about those wrinkle folds screams immortality

[retisense]

maybe we could do both
I did some more googling and this kind of cat needs to wear sweaters sometimes because of the whole no fur thing

gonna be honest I never really thought about how hard to kill it would be
then again I don't have your track record with pets so that's valid

I still can't decide if it's cute or hideous what the fuck

the most important question though
would you still love your cat nephew if it turned out to be a hairless wrinkle demon

[stations]

It's probably kind of weird that's one of the first places my mind goes, but
Trust me, it's a logical starting point if you've spent any time at the gas station


I genuinely do not know. Maybe it's weirdly cute-psychic. Like it's ugly, but when you look into its eyes it somehow hypnotizes you into thinking it's cute?

I'm not necessarily saying we should go with that one, but
If we did
Yoda would be too obvious of a choice, so I'm ruling it out on principal.

It could be a Parvo because it kind of feels like it could look straight into a dog's soul and conquer it with eye contact without lifting it's little paw

or

Macaroni
Because it kind of looks like the way macaroni sounds




It's... what's on the inside that matters? That feels like the right answer.

[retisense]

from what I've heard of the gas station, you've got a point

yeah yoda seemed too obvious to me too
parvo I like though isn't that the name of an illness that actually kills dogs

macaroni is appropriate, he kinda looks like a bowl of cooked macaroni

okay be honest
do you hate him?

[stations]

Yep, Parvo is the dog thing. Is that too morbid? I'll be honest, my gauge for Too Morbid is completely out of touch from the average person.

I hate that I don't hate him
I feel like I should hate him
But
Look at him
He's adorable. Ugly-adorable. Ugdorable.

Do YOU hate him?

[retisense]

I think maybe just one hair too morbid for my tastes
but only one hair

I think that puts us back to macaroni
I did like queen elizabeth too even though it's a boy cat

no I kind of love him
I hated him at first but now I kind of love him

those EYES

[stations]

Well, good news, I don't think there's one hair on that cat so I guess it's disqualified

I know what you mean
Like, Jerry took a bullet for me and still took longer to grow on me than that cat
This was a 5 minute turn-around time

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a little horrified, but the ratio of uncomfortable to adorable has shifted dramatically very abruptly

But maybe just to be safe we should actually
Meet it or something first? Is that a thing you do with cats? Is there like an overnight visit situation? Just to see if it tries to claw our faces off or siphon our soul energy in the night?

[retisense]

should I have said a WHISKER too morbid, did I miss the dad joke of the century there
depressing

okay I'm glad to know I'm not alone

and yeah I think you can make an appointment to meet it or like foster first or something
let me send the shelter an email
you can blame me if it siphons our soul energy
that'll all be on me

[stations]

Truly a tragic lost opportunity

Don't worry, I probably don't have any soul energy left anyway, I'm like a dried up raisin inside. That one's a more You concern. The face clawing is probably the more Me one.

Should we
I don't know
Preemptively buy some supplies? Go cat supply shopping? Is that too soon? That's too soon, isn't it. This is still a completely hypothetical cat. It's more the concept of a cat than an actual cat yet.
Man, I wish they had What to Expect When You're Expecting: Cat Edition or something

[retisense]

aw come on, you've probably got at least a sliver of soul left
and to be fair I think a face clawing is probably a both of us concern

I would 100% buy that book if it existed
I'm so nervous excited

I mean
maybe it's too soon but even if we don't get this one we're gonna get one so maybe we could go cat supply shopping
are you free tomorrow?

[stations]

Nope. 99% husk, 1% pulp.

I'm free after work, if you wanna go in the afternoon?